At last! A definitive guide on how to keep your man (according to women’s mags)

 

I’m so confused. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and it’s great. But some magazines say that if I want to keep him interested I should dress like a vamp, and others say I should dress like Samantha Cameron. What to do?
Women’s magazine reader, everywhere
What to do indeed? Hey, we’re all grown-ups here and we know that the spark of lust that flames up at the beginning of a relationship generally simmers down to a gentle glow as time goes on. But what, ladies, can we do to keep our men interested? Because we know what men are like: they’re all dogs. Dogs straining at the leash of our love, desperate to smell the butt of someone – anyone – new who walks by, and I do mean that literally.

Oh, it’s just a nightmare for the poor little woman, stuck at home in her Cath Kidston apron, weeping gently over the home-cooked meal she made for him, wondering how on earth she can possibly trick her man into still finding her interesting after more than three months of sleeping with her when she’s so blindly, unquestioningly and utterly devoted to him (even though he is, as already discussed, a dog).
Truly, this is a grave universal problem, which is why – in all my years of extensive reading of women’s magazines – I have yet to go a day without encountering a feature about how a woman can Keep Her Man. And yet, funnily enough, despite similar experience in reading men’s magazines (good to know what the enemy’s thinking, amirite ladies?), I have yet to see a similar article reassuring men that, truly, there are ways to keep a woman interested in their hairy, smelly bodies. Because that would be ridiculous, right? I mean, of course women are always interested – they’re grateful to have found a man and trapped him, and now all they want is to trick him into impregnating them so they can force him into a life of suburban domesticity. Whereas men, of course, as we already discussed, are dogs, trying desperately to escape being trapped so they can hump anyone and everyone they meet. Look, that’s not a generalisation or sexism or whatever fancy word young people are bandying about – it’s basic science. You can’t argue with centuries of human evolution, y’know.